stop motion asshole
it’s fucking cold. i don’t if you are from someplace colder than me or someplace warmer; take your slide rule and think about how cold it is for you where you are when you are cold and then apply that to me and that’s how cold i am. fucking cold. but because i like you i stopped looking at egotastic.com for a few to write shit.
the question was brought to me today, and sent me on a spiral of thought, and so i bring it to you in hopes that your face melts and your head explodes – the question was ‘what would you do if a snowman came to life in front of you’?
my answer was ‘probably be fucking frightened and run away’, since a fucking snowman has come to life. but this took on a new thought – what if you could just run up to this asshole snowman that thinks he is awesome and unique and not a godless abomination and remove his hat so he turned back into cold water and then used the power of the hat to bring any kind of snow to life?
my first thought of course would be to sculpt a snow woman and have sex with it. this is the obvious answer of course and naturally it would quickly melt and you would just be left with that magic hat. since the technology is not past it working with only snow, we must go back outside.
my second thought would be to build a snow car, then a snow jet. of course, the hat would need to be firmly secured on the dashboard or the passenger seat, since if it flew out the window its magic properties would end and physics would take over resulting in you hitting the now stationary cold snow at the speed you were traveling. snow rash cannot feel good.
at one point my mind went back to that poor snowman i stole the magic hat from. he probably wasn’t that bad a guy, and not only did i steal from him, but i kind of murdered him as well. that’s not really nice, and tho he probably won’t reveal to me how he got that hat (probably from some blind old chinese guy in a basement) i should still let him come back to life a little. so before he melts i would bring him back to life and let him have some fun as my snow slave, shoveling the remains of all his unique family members, and of course, pretending to be a regular snowman as i bring my friends by and then scaring the shit out of them.
soon i began to think deeper about this. given the hat magic’s properties state that whatever this hat is put up becomes real (a snowman can become alive even tho it has no muscles or organs or circulatory or nervous systems – its still just snow) – it really isnt in the sculpting of the thing you put the hat on, its what you will it to be. therefore the limits to what can be done with magic snowman hat technology has no end. if you made a snow tube and said it was a snow teleportation device, it would be. tho you may need another hat for the other side. snow guns, snow disease curing machines, snow spaceships, snow limbs, snow heat. perhaps even a snow magic snowman hat making machine.
perhaps i will be able to make snow motivation.
xoxo jabby
